Lucidity
by The Bad Joke
Summary: It is not for Arthur Kirkland to want.


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**Lucidity **  
_come clean, come dry_

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It is not for him to want.

As a nation, as a father, and as a brother, it is not for Arthur Kirkland to want. As a nation, it is for him to be. As a father, it is for him to support. As a brother, it is for him to teach. Plain and simple. Nothing more and nothing less. But to want?

Never.

He is to be docile when required and defiant when all else fails. He is to scold if the situation calls for it and know the answer to anything that is questioned. He is to say something stupid and then apologize for it later. He is to act, not react. He is to make mistakes, but fix those mistakes in the near future. He is to think. Always think. This moment may change every next moment of your existence, so _think think think._

Do not want.

_Think._

Never want.

_Think._

He wants to want, but he knows what happens to those who do. The ones who succumb to their desires are the ones who watch their flags and people fall. They are the ones who die the most miserable of deaths and are never mentioned unless necessary. Maybe during a meeting. Maybe in a textbook. Plain and simple. Nothing more and nothing less.

No one wants to be like the ones who wanted. Arthur is most certainly no exception. He does not want his great country to fall just because he decided to give in to something trivial. He has worked much too hard to watch his people leave and to never watch his flag sway in generous gusts of wind again. He would not allow for such tragedies to befall his country due to his own selfishness.

But if he had nothing to lose, he would. He would in a heartbeat because nothing would matter except for him. He could have anything he wanted and there would be no limitation and everything would just be so much better than it is now. He is jealous of humans for this reason. If he could give away his status as a nation, he would. Yes, he would inevitably die, but to actually _live_ and pursue life as desired, he would give anything and everything. But, what he wants most, is not an object. He does not want more land, or the moon or the world.

He wants Alfred.

As his brother, and perhaps even his father - _he did raise him after all_ - it is not for him to want Alfred. That, in itself, is wrong enough. He should not want something he raised. Something he fed, bathed, comforted, told stories to out of silly picture books. He should not want anything that received this level of care from him. It's wrong to want something like Alfred. _Wrong, wrong, wrong. _

Still, he wants him. It would be impossible to lie and tell himself that he does not. He wants him from his head to his toes, and really could care less about all of the stupid things he does. He is the most imperfect thing that has entered his life. But that doesn't seem to matter. His mere presence blocks out all of the bad he has done or will ever do.

He should not want him.

_His arms wrapped around you, holding you, cherishing you. Fingers and hands touching every inch of you. Eyes staring you down adoringly, taking in every part of you. And all you do is stare, pretending to be as innocent as you're not, watching him take you. Mouth, tongue, teeth and all. Rubbing, scraping, sucking. You just close your eyes and let your emotions consume you. You pray that no one will find out this secret the two of you share. You pray and you hope and you moan and you are filled with regret when it's all over._

He should not want.

"How about a human? Why not one of those?"

"Humans die, you idiot."

"Oh. Right."

He is a nation. He is to fight and protect his people. He is to stay strong when all the odds are against him. He is to stay in existence as long as possible, give humans somewhere to live and call home. Give them all something to be proud of. He was never created or designed or made to be happy. His creation has no meaning at all, really. The people are meant to be happy, not him. He is allowed to watch and envy their glee from a distance, but never take any for himself. Everything around him seems to die or disappear, and all he really wants is one thing. This one thing. And he can't even have it. It's unfair. All of it.

Still, there are ways to work around this ever standing dilemma. He isn't the only one, too. There are others. He notices how Antonio blushes and gets even more smiley when Lovino is around him. He has caught Ivan giving Yao small presents after meetings. He has seen Feliciano attempt to hold Ludwig's hand and the other man finally let him when he thinks no one is looking. When he and Alfred are standing beside each other, he feels like everyone knows about them. Maybe they do. Maybe they don't. He has a theory that everyone notices the small crushes and googly eyes that every one of them is guilty of. He knows. They know. Everyone knows. But no one ever says a thing. Probably never will, either.

They all want. They all pretend to have their hearts locked up in a glass box, door sealed shut, key hidden. But this isn't the case. They are all guilty of it. Ludwig has probably fucked Feliciano. Ivan is probably trying to fuck Yao. And Antonio probably doesn't want to fuck Lovino as much as Lovino wants to fuck Antonio. That's probably the greatest thing about all of this. Everyone knows but no one knows. They aren't supposed to but they do anyway. And they get away with it, every time. So maybe it isn't as unfair as he thinks it is.

"Promise that you'll stay with me."

It is not for him to want.

"Promise."

But he does, anyway.

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Just a little something I wrote. I hope that at least one person enjoys this. Feel free to lurk, but I really do appreciate reviews. I get so much Traffic on my stories, but I really don't know if you guys actually like my stuff unless you tell me. Just throwing that out there. Goodbye for now.


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